i’m sad today. i woke up kinda sad. some people wake up happy. i wake up sad. i had a good day on Thursday though so I can’t really complain. brbr is a really jealous person i guess. i talked to my shrink about it and she said it’s probably got something to do with her age. even though i’m really not that much older than her. it’s probably because of how our relationship started. and it doesn’t help that she’s never been in a serious relationship before. can’t blame her at all but good god. it makes me crazy. i don’t wanna talk to her about it because i’m good at just lying down and taking it but she’s becoming her own monster, dude. i told her that she always needs to talk to me when something bothers her. maybe it’s her personality. her being feisty. or it could just be that she doesn’t know how to avoid a fight. you and me know where the line is and we try to stay a few steps away from it. it’s never worth it. except with brbr, she dunno where the line is and she steps on it without meaning to. any other guy would tear her head off for it but that ain’t me. i’m too easy going. i just want to talk to somebody about it and not have to think of something to say back. i’m so tired lately that i don’t wanna bother with this shit. i wrote about this before the other night but i dunno. i keep thinking about it today. she woke up in a mood. a little bit of one. as per uze. i didn’t do anything to stop the fire. i just fanned it and got surprised when smokey the bear showed up.
there’s this girl i talk to. i know i mentioned it before but i don’t understand. brbr thinks this girl is like the antithesis of evil or something. she texts me in the morning and brbr blows up. instantly. i don’t know what i did wrong. i just like having people to talk to. me and that girl haven’t talked all day and brbr isn’t talking to me much either. i’m just lonely. i like having somebody to talk to. i’ve been alone all day. she said to me this morning i think i know why i hate og so much. alright lemme hear it. she thinks i tell her more shit than i tell her. wrong. i dont talk about my feelings to anybody. except you. because you never have anything to say back. youre like talking to myself. good conversation without any effort. this whole jealously issue is such a turn off. it makes me feel like it’s more trouble than it’s worth. and it isn’t. i like spending time with this girl. she makes me as close to happy as i can get. but when she flares up and lights that fire. i just wanna stick my head in the dirt. everyone is so attached to all of this shit. life. people. whatever. everybody sees through their own eyes and makes their own realities. alot of people have similar ideas about the way shit works but they’re all different. unless you’ve been spoonfed into thinking one way or another. which is, in my opinion, the worst thing you could ever do to someone. swaying view points, especially for your own gain, is so fucking wrong. if people were free to think for themselves, everything would be beautiful. but it isn’t. because everyone is a mound of silly putty waiting to get stamped and pushed through a hole. see what i did there? neither do i actually. i think that might be part of me not talking about them feels. i don’t wanna sway anyone to feel bad for me or pity me. there’s so much complicated shit going on all the time in my head that it feels like it’s just gonna implode. nothing to me is worth causing myself any more pointless stress. living isn’t. but here i am trying because of people who thought they swayed my way of thinking. i’ll play the fucking game but i already know what two cards you got in your pocket. and i don’t care. just rambling on as usual.
this jealously shit is killing me. if anything, that’s the reason i can’t really talk to brbr about how i feel and what i’m getting at. that and vanity. she thinks she causes all this shit for me. vicious cycle, i’ll tell ya. i put what i want aside and let people do what they want. you can really tell she’s never been in a relationship before because she still has lingering moments of that teenage selfishness. everyone does though. we can’t all be mother theresa over here. i’m trying to keep my patience with her. i’ve only slipped up a few times. relationships aren’t anything but push giving to shove and an agreement between two people. you have to give and take. i think i’m giving and not taking too much but ask her and i’m sure she sees it differently. which aint a bad thing. just more of a little side thought. what do i mean? let’s go simple. i’m always tired. i could out-sleep a sloth. the girl wants to watch this cable comedy show. it ain’t bad but eh. it’s no war documentary. so i’m settled up to sleep. she turns on the tv. things blaring. i put my music on so i can fall asleep. little things that only a seasoned war veteran would know not to do. or fuck, maybe she doesn’t care. alot of people just don’t give a shit. they don’t out that much thought into something. consideration is the word, i think. and it’s not bad, just spitting out some ideas here. if i had mentioned it to her though, i’m sure she would have given me an ear full. she don’t yell at me or nothing but she really doesn’t know where any of those lines are.
if she didn’t love me this would be a very short lived relationship. and that bums me the hell out. it’s getting to the point when everybody leaves. some people have a stronger stomach than others. but they all leave eventually. and this is no pity party, woe is me, it’s just how it is. and i really don’t mind. spreading the seeds. the ideas. hoping it catches on. i’m really attracted to this girl. she’s got this womanly figure. which is just funny to say. but she does. guys go nuts over her without even realizing why. she would make a fucking fine baby momma. she got the hips and tits for it. but that don’t matter. not so much. not for me. she looks good is all i mean. but jesus. it’s my own damn fault. i never take time to talk about how awesome i feel and when i do it doesn’t get worded properly so it comes off like I’m being a sensitive jackass. brbr wants to fuck all the time. not all the time. but way more than i want. but i always oblige her. or try to. she wants to be on me kissing me and touching me. i dunno how to tell her sometimes i can’t. i just can’t. most of the time i can’t. how do you make somebody understand that shit though? without them thinking they did something wrong. it’s all me. my body fucking hurts when i start getting physical. well, i guess, mentally i make myself hurt. i haven’t busted a nut in years. i can’t. it just hurts me dude, and i feel so bad lately and she goes to kiss me and gets a little attitude. even if it is jokingly. asking me to actually kiss her and whatever. i’m so wildly uninterested in the physical aspects of this place. maybe i’m a-sexual but i just wanna fit in so desperately. no. i love girl’s bodies. my own short comings are what makes me so depressed by them. i don’t know. i don’t really have much more to say. i do. but i don’t care. thanks for listening, buddy. good chat as always.